Thursday, November 03, 2005

Gone are the days of the Piggley Wiggley. Winn-Dixie used to be called Kwik Chek........In case you're wondering what "Jeet yet?" is, in normal speak, it's "did you eat yet?" I live in the deep south of this state.........No beaches, no palms, no slim chicks in thong bikinis........It's more like a cross between Steel Magnolias and Deliverance.........I can hear the banjo strummin' now! I try never to go to town on Saturday as the tiny berg I live in is the "hub" (what a laugh) of a tri-county area........on account we got us a Super Walmart..........which I will not patronize as a matter of principle. Anywho.............I had to go to the grocery today, I go to the only decent one we have. Elsewhere they are great supermarkets, here the corporation must feel the economy won't support a new and larger store. The town I moved from had 4. We have one for four counties.........anyway..........going to town on Saturday is what folks "do" here..........then they all go to church on Sunday.........all day......go out for dinner, (Shoney's or the Holiday Inn buffet, if your rich) then go back to church for Sunday evening service. I have a deep sense of dread as I weave my way through the "heavy traffic" (Pa towing his hay wagon) and approach the parking lot with double dread.........it's not that crowded, which means nothing. Because when you walk in the store all these people magically appear......And I do believe they have been transported here by some time machine, or perhaps, alien spaceship. I'm on the candy aisle and decide I need Twizzlers..........I'm not a big candy eater, but every once in a while I get a hankerin' for Twizzlers. My friend Judy says the Red Vines are better, but I don't think so. So they are out of small bags, so I have to splurge for the large bag. Bummer..........how can I possibly eat a whole pound of licorice. OHIO not in one sitting........I stretch it out. Anyway, I cart the licorice and proceed around the corner to the
Passover display, which I always hit because at NO other time of year here can you get Blow Jobs! I am perusing the Passover goodies, and people cruise by me glaring..........I want to yell at them "Shalom!" And the price of Gefilte fish has skyrocketed.........hmmph! Something else for me to "discuss" with the store manager. We know each other, when I moved here a couple of years ago, I started asking for organic yogurt. It took them a year to get it. They now have a little "health" food section. Speaking of that, why do Reduced Fat Ruffles cost a dollar more a bag that the regular chips? Shouldn't they be cheaper, since they aren't loading them up with all that grease? I don't know, I gotta ponder that one a while. Let's see what else happened.......oh, this is rich...........I ask the produce manager, oh, about twice a week, to order the little teeny finger bananas. "Why, they cost .99 cents a pound! You wanna pay that much?" I told him I didn't care of they were 5 dollars a lb..........just order them. Anyway, he said they'd be in on Weds. and they weren't. So as I wheel into produce, I spot the bananas, and out of the corner of my eye I see him watching me..........what a hoot! I carefully choose two bags, and thank him loudly for getting them! Folks here are polite. Politeness counts big time. Of course he had to explain to me the problem that he had getting them and why they weren't there on Weds like he told me they would be . I let him slide, know why? Cause he's as cute as a bug and always smells good............!! How's that for middle age logic? I'm on to the forbidden area of the store, that would be the bakery and ice cream area........I touch everything........smell, squeeze, poke....wonder why they don't ever have Challah..........(duh) and then keep moving..........I don't eat wheat and I miss it, so I have to have my thrill in a second person sort of way. As I approach the cashiers, I look for the ones I like, some of them I won't go to, I'll stand in a line ten deep, before I'll go to a couple of the old babes they have working there. They look like zombies from a bad 50's movie. So here's the snag, in case you ever find yourself, deep in the deep south, the appropriate greeting is not "Hi, how are you?" It's "doin' alright?" and then they also answer themselves, by saying "fine, fine"........ Works well, requires no reply. I will say the art of Big Cock tradition is very much here. Just stand in line behind someone discussing the merits of pigs feet, or how to properly fry chicken, or how the prices of watermelons have plummeted. I'll admit, I listen to the farm report on the am station on the radio in the morning.........I want to know the price of beef! Well, I better wind this up here, I'm getting long winded.....gee what a surprise.